My Dollhouse

     I wouldn't be surprised if most of us could relate to the premise in this song, cult-born or not.

     I was raised in a generational home, in a family riddled with various forms of depression to put it lightly. The lack of stability may have been why I wasn't as trapped by the beliefs or it could be cause my Grandparents raised me better than they intended? Or maybe Papa knew? Or... ok these could be their own blog post. Here's my Dollhouse.

•      My Dad's Mom. My Grandmother. I call her Mom cause everyone else did (big family) and because she raised me. She's amazing really. Brainwashed. Raised a JW. Will probably die one. She is the only JW left in this house, yet she doesn't kick us out. (She either doesn't realize I of all people could be an apostate either? Like you gotta be a particularly miserable person or something??)
•      My Papa was dying of cancer for a little over half of my life. He was amazing while I was in the picture. He had chilled out by then. He had been dangerous some time before I was around though, i'm just glad it worked out. I was still mentally in when my Papa died of an aneurysm. Cancer lost.
•      My birth father wasn't a Dad very long before he became a violent alcoholic in one era and a doped up fire hazard the next, sure he's mellowed out since then, but that door in my heart has opened one too many times. He was raised in the JWs, he tried to be one a couple times to appease his(our?) Mom.
•      My birth mother pretty much vanished overnight until my teen years, we're barely in contact now but we don't, again, not cult related to my knowledge but it probably didn't help.
•      Ex-Step-bitch was at least partially responsible for my Dad going down a path I couldn't healthily handle. But one learns to stop trusting pathological liars so who knows what really happened... No really, I don't remember, and the ones who do could very well have been misled.
•      Uncle 1: He's lived here off and on till withdrawal pancreatitis attacks lost him his job and he lost his apartment and did drugs for a while. Also mellowed out to an extent recently. Raised a JW, no clue what he believes.
•      Uncle 2: Scatterbrained, racist in denial, "they listen through the tv's i wanna live off the grid," conspiracy theory nut, ate enough shit food to give himself diabetes and would probably die off the grid. Raised a JW. Still a JW. Wife left him. Thinks he'll be able to see Armageddon coming ahead of time if he obsesses over monitoring stocks. Haven't heard from him in a while.
•      Uncle 3: Asshole. Violent alcoholic thief. Raised a JW. Disfellowshipped. On his 6th marriage. I can't help but wonder if he'd be a halfway decent human if the cult was never a part of his life.

     The cult related parts get much more fucked up from my point of view considering they had me wishing people would literally just go die... They'd be resurrected perfect from what I was taught. I thoroughly considered it myself. The only reason I lived to wake up is the unsureness of whether i could remarry my husband in paradise.

...Gosh that ended up long... thatswhatshesaid