I was in my Google Docs folder reminding myself what was in there and I found this. This is quite possibly the first real step in changing my life that helped me sort my thoughts and hunt down the sources of my problems. It was created on Mar 19, 2017, ~1 year before i “woke up”.
When just about everything you’ve ever really found yourself interested in,
Is considered, “weird,” “creepy,” Or just plain “wrong.”
When you’ve never felt right in your body,
And it only grows worse with time.
When you grew up in a world demanding girls like pink,
Fueling an early hatred for it that you feel obligated to keep as an adult.
When you’ve always pushed away “cute” and “girly,”
Then find yourself actually wishing you could pull it off.
When even your eyes can’t decide their color,
So when asked, you default to “hazel.”
When you want to try a billion different things with your hair,
But always chicken out because it might fry or turn out horrible.
When you want to get more tattoos,
But can’t decide what, or make the commitment.
When you want to be a piece of art that defines you,
But have no idea who you even are.
When you cling to the voice you share your headspace with
Because you couldn’t imagine being without her there to bear a burden you can’t
When you’ve never had actual parents,
Just very well meaning grandparents that tried their damnedest to fill the roles.
When you’re stuck staying because one passed away and the other needs the help,
But you’d give your right leg for an ounce of privacy outside the 4 walls of your bedroom.
When you wish you could sit alone in your own apartment without pants,
But are stuck in a house with 3 useless family members and fill-in mother, just to give her a break.
When you don’t remember a good 95% of your childhood and have multiple symptoms of abuse.
But don’t have the heart to ask the one person who might know.
When you’ve never been able to settle on any goals,
Because your attention span demands something different every couple weeks.
When you can’t even do art you’re good at,
Because you lose interest in every medium before you even finish.
When you’re partially decent with multiple mediums,
But will never be an expert because doing it long enough makes you want to pull out your hair.
When you can’t even settle on a favorite kind of music,
Because your taste changes multiple times a day.
When you’re beyond awkward around other people,
Because you can’t get past the feeling that they’re waiting for you to screw up.
When you’ve always put up a strong front,
Even when you’re dying inside.
When the only thing that’s never changed is a love for animals,
Cats forever in the top spot to the point you make jokes that you’re one of them
When you’ve spent your life just trying to survive,
While your first real enemy is your own mind and body.
When you gave up on relationships,
Then find the sort of soulmate people dream about.
When you didn’t plan to live past 21,
Then end up passing 25 with someone to live for.
When keeping all of it up is just so tiring that you consider giving up the charade
…and looking for your identity reveals you’ve become hopelessly lost in your pile of masks.
It didn’t cover everything cause I wasn’t writing to document anything, I was writing to sort out some thoughts. I was writing stylized cause its more fun. The last line was pretty much where my mind was at the time.
The last line was actually where i realized i was wearing masks; this is where the title came from.
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